I sent a text message and e-mail to one of my caregivers in order to make up with him. There seems to have been a misunderstanding. My mind is shattering some normal events into pieces of confusion and fear. I am realizing that the jobs here on the property are going involve some breaking of the rules. I am a more lenient boss than any boss might be in a normal job setting. I think I did well to explain the core of what was bothering me and so to come to terms with it in the healthiest way possible.
I think I am thinking clearly today.
I am making my day great! I hope this new medicine regimen will work soon — could take up to 2 weeks even though it’s the same tablets, just different dose.
I was upset last night, but someone I love asked me – using an idea I seemed to have come up with in the last audio blog — to get to the “core” of what exactly was bothering me with two of my caregivers, though without using the word “core.” So, instead of ignoring the message concerning this, I decided to use the strategies I mentioned on The Real Me to actually act on, myself, so that I would walk my own talk. I find this fascinating. That I am possibly helping others, but in doing so, I am helping myself with the same strategies I talk about within the blogs.
Bottom line is that (and I give you lots of credit for this, too… because you seem to accept me wherever I am… wherever you are!) I have a good project set up for at least this morning. What I learn from it, I can use in the future projects similar in nature. I’m expecting the best but preparing for the worst (computer crash, etc.) just in case. And although those here on the compound today seem to be dealing with their own “off-day” kinds of struggles, I am, like I said in my last blog, Making My Day… Mine. I’m releasing the “luxury of negativity” which can often be so seductive and almost addictive.
I was thinking of possibly blogging about this idea I had (a feeling I get…) a written-out theory, which I’ll have to look up… It’s an Oliver Sacks quote from one of his short stories about a Touretter, where he mentions saying and possibly writing shocking things like I had written to one of the caregivers last night, and sometimes to others, as well. But that I perhaps behave this way when I feel trapped and unsafe, for example, in order achieve a certain sensation of “shock” out of the person to whom I’m directing negativity, though I’d have to look it up (and am quite busy at the moment) but nonetheless, I could just add my own reaction to the Sacks theory: as I remember, it seemed to have been on a more subconscious level, even with tics and coprolalia. I would add, that my take on that kind of “symptom” is also similar to when I write about (in my novel, Porcelain Utopia) that I “want cancer, AIDS, etc., so that [I] can overcome them.” Same kind of thing because when I wake up in the morning and remember that I have to “make amends” and undo what I did the evening prior, it gives me something to “overcome–” in a pretty deep, almost philosophical way.
Peace and Love to All People.
P.S. Below is what I consider good and healthy communication. Having been “wrong,” and whether or not I could “help” it or not, I think this dialog below has some interesting insight. We all make mistakes, and I find it important to make amends, when needed, sooner than later. Then the rest of the day can unfold positively…
I hope we can make up. It frustrates me when you come and go as you please. Let me know if we can work it out. I woke up in a better place than yesterday. Had a crap day yesterday. And a certain kind of amnesia from whatever “bad stuff” might have happened. This is a common feature of my illness – a sort of “blacking out.”
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I am sorry to hear that, but I’m happy that you tell me what you feel.
Since I am coming in today at 10:30 AM I took off a little earlier yesterday in correspondence with staff, since you were sleeping and had someone else there already with you. I will see to that my schedule gets more consistent than earlier so we avoid any frustrations. Thanks for the input.
Thank you for this. I am sorry I over-reacted. I basically felt cornered by you and possibly others on my team with what I took as “secret stuff.” Upon waking, I realize even the term “secret stuff” is likely due from paranoia, and possibly due to the recent change in medications. When my routine (your schedules included) is tweaked/changed, it tends to get to me. It wasn’t my intention to be mean to you last night. I felt stuck, and saw no other way out of that feeling. I will bring this up with my psychologist today. I would like to be able to handle some of these issues better than I am currently. I simply felt trapped. The morning seemed to have restored me. Thank you for understanding. I didn’t know that I wasn’t told about the schedule change because I was asleep. So thank you for the clarification. Sometimes I fear that I am perhaps too lenient and easy-going… I just have to get used to that, and that this kind of job you guys have is unique and not like, for example, when I was running my own company. It will often mess me up when I fear that people are taking advantage of me… So thank you for your e-mail this morning.
It means a lot to me.
I think I am a pretty loving and giving guy inside. Sometimes “fear” (in general) might not allow that part of me to show. And I am sorry about that. I continue to try my best, and work with the doctors and keep with my meditations, and everything else.
I’m actually glad you got to “see” that part of me just in case it was to re-occur.
First of all, my two little kittens, my babies, turned two today. Happy Birthday little ones! I’ve never had a pet live that long before, so alas, I’m not cursed! -LOL!
…The weekend is turning out better than expected, though usually Saturdays are pretty OK. By looking at recent patterns, I know what to expect as the likely scenario, hour by hour, until Monday morning, and I know what to expect and what tools to use given the worst case scenario–dealing and coping with schizophrenia but having taken note, again, of patters. Precise patterns: the time of day, temperature, everything, and how it all affects me.
I have a day trip to a ghost town planned for tomorrow, Sunday. Then Monday begins the new week with business as usual, for the most part.
I wait as my work is being saved–work I’ve done, having become a “dancer” of sorts on editing software for both film and video–even photography. I’ve cut a first draft of a feature-length film—edited it down from eight hours to two, and I listen to OMD, Thomson Twins, The Police, and, of course Duran Duran, as I write this–when my work is saved on DVD, I’ll check over what I did and be OK with it–with it not being the final product… yet.
I worked more on a couple of my newer novels, posted my normal motivational material on Facebook,Twitter and MySpace, gained new fan appreciation and app downloads for my music, Schizophrenic & Caregiver on http://www.reverbnation.com/jwharnisch and posted a new video, “Balloon Meditation,” on http://www.youtube.com/user/PorcelainUtopia –it was fun. I had to re-post the video at first, after an onslaught of viewers had seen and even commented on a version that I had altered–putting perhaps too much effort into something simple. My angels and spirit guides–OK, my inner-self–let me know, over and over again, “Be ‘fair’ with your art, Jonathan,” and as for the film–I have the best material now, not later. Let the project be guided by ‘spirit’ and do it’s job. I think if you believe in angels, ghosts, and even in your own imagination, then they become real–they are real–to the believer. Just like thoughts.
My email has been getting hacked almost every day lately, but I let it go. I have things, mainly information, since I save everything, and I file and record every passing minute and nuance in life–and people want that–everyone has things that other people want, but nobody has control. And nobody needs it–nobody needs the illusion of it either. Anyway, I let it all go. No negativity—all negativity I surrender to The Creator, if you will. All is good. Right now. All is at peace in this schizophrenic mind, in this very moment.
I’ve been researching more and more books on schizophrenia, material from all sorts of perspectives. I continue to learn a lot. More like validation of my experiences. I really crave confirmation and validation of my experiences, both positive and negative.
While thoroughly enjoying the new iOS and iCloud that Apple finally put out, I’m good for now. In the meantime, since I’m giving up a lot of domain names and canceling certain patent applications, for example–de-cluttering and simplifying my life and surroundings as much as I can, because neatness and clarity helps me feel better and less symptomatic—I’ve been messing around with a little side project: Got Tics? https://sites.google.com/site/gottics/ for Touretters like me.
I’m getting help labeling and organizing all—I mean all—CDs, DVDs, files, books—everything I own—”OCD-style”—as I call it. We’re painting and decorating the home and offices, and—yes, still dealing with the sociopaths in life—they seems to be everywhere one turns. “Emotional Vampires” is the term I prefer to use. But I am who I am and, while I posted on Twitter the other day, “Change?—Why Resist?” I’m OK with who I am, right now. And right now that’s all that I know and all that I have.
Be well, and be in touch soon. Hope to podcast on The Real Me again in the near future. The episode I recorded last time: “Hallucinations,” had massive re-posts, review and downloads, so I’ve been letting that one linger a little. Good thing recording that episode–it helped me, though I still hallucinate, pretty much on a daily basis. But that’s, as they say, “Just the schizophrenia,” though a good amount of it is, to me, most definitely a spiritual–“psychic”–integration of my day to day experiences. It’s the “staying grounded” and “in the body” part that I often still struggle with.
Well, looks like there are only a few minutes left for the transfer of my new film. Gonna get back on it and take it easy, relax, and “allow myself to be led.” That’s a lyric in one of my songs, “Reach Inside” on the “Inside – Single” album on S&C’s Reverb Nation page—iTunes, as well.
I just want to, need to, imagine or not, if any of this is real…
I just returned from my doctor’s appointment—the M.D. [Medical Doctor/Psychiatrist], Dr. F. What a relief coming home—traumatic event there with Dr. F. I now sit here at my desk and think about how “screwed up” I must be, with all the schizophrenic symptoms that I’m aware I have—but holy cow! Dr. F. has been seeing me close to 3 years, through thick and thin, and only now the truth was given to me: apparently, I’ve been “imagining” most of my life! I mean, talk about wanting to blog, podcast, call everybody I know and tell them this apparent fact. Talk about life is a living dream, and, that likely, I am imagining this and exactly what I’m writing. E-mails I’ve been sending to her regarding my symptoms and medical needs were never sent, yet my schizophrenic mind seems to “adjust” reality, because I have copies of them, and I offered those involved in the meeting with Dr. F. to search my records—they have the login info—but to me, they come up, to those trying to help me, they do not exist. Imagine that! I think I could talk forever about this—specific details of exactly what I have been imagining—or just allow you all to imagine the impact this has on me. I’m sure there’s been a bit of what they call “gas lighting” going on—my doctor has been in contact with my family, and she even has written approval by me—I imagined that I never gave her approval—so what else is news, Doc? Holy [bleep]!
Calling all fellow-Schizophrenics: you are most definitely not alone!
Be careful what you wish for! Every artistic expression, no matter how slight, how off-the-cuff, how, seemingly innocuous, has as its base motivation megalomania—which, though it can be fun, is nonetheless a dangerous member of the mania family, and should be approached cautiously. Manias, like many other poisons, produce an initially euphoric effect, and can be used recreationally in small doses. The Beatles referred to the strange behavior of their fans in the mid sixties—screaming, weeping, tearing their hair, and attempting to rip off pieces of their heroes’ clothing—as “the mania.” All that enthusiasm caused the band, eventually, to stop playing concerts, then to break up altogether; John Lennon was killed by an obsessed fan and George Harrison had to sign autographs for his radiologists’ son on his death bed. You might like the White Album, but would you, personally, want people to treat you like that? Our culture loves to iconize, and their chosen field has a breakdown, collapses, checks into rehab or jumps off a bridge, overwhelmed by the adulation and expectation they have brought upon themselves, we shake our heads in uncomprehending sadness, bewilderment, and perhaps a little bit of disdain… How would you react if our own subliminal desires were realized, if our dreams came true?
Most people get married believing a myth that marriage is a beautiful box of sorts full or all the things they have longed for, from companionship, to intimacy and friendship. This box of marriage is empty at the beginning. We, who are married, must put something into this marriage box before we can take anything out. I believe that love is in people, not in marriage and it’s people who put love in marriage. When we infuse romance into marriage — marriage that does not contain romance in itself, we can then embrace it, and love it and marriage itself. Married people once giving love, praise and the art of giving what we can will keep the box of marriage full and ever expanding into a larger box — the box of marriage. The box will be empty if we take out more than we put in. Marriage is like a bank, safety deposit box. Marriage is good. Marriage is and can be worthwhile. It can become a continuous habit to add more and more into our marriage. This goes for any married couple.
God, or your own higher power, will never leave you empty. He, or it, will replace everything you lost. If your higher power, whether it be God or not, asks you to put something doesn’t it’s because he, or your inner self, your inner guide, wants you to pick up something greater.