Restored Post from March 31, 2011—
Since I had been having manic episodes the last couple weeks, I met with the psychiatrist and we tweaked some of the tablets (sometimes prefer to call them, “psych meds!”). As a result I have been feeling quite irritable. And even paranoid. It will take some time for the new regimen to kick in.
Since I tend to recommend to others to stay positive and everything, I think that I need to step back and practice what I preach.
I have so many complaints today, mostly about other people, and things that I have no control of – so I need to step back and become an observer of myself. Little things are bothering me and well as much larger things, and a lot of things from the past.
When people are paid to do things for me, it is only natural that I will have quips about what they are doing and how they are or aren’t doing things.
But I have to remind myself that these people, at least on a deep spiritual level do love and care for me, and are here to help. To possibly do things, and behave a certain way, might actually be for my own good.
I’m sure this is the Schizophrenia talking, but I am quite paranoid that the people around me do not give a damn about me, and are doing what they want around here – that they are doing secretive things. I know this to be true, but at the same time, I realize this is likely not true. It feels like I am in both worlds at once. I feel like I am in between both realities.
I’ll try to make today the best it can be, and let some stuff go. I’m likely to record and post another Real Me audio blog this afternoon.
Paranoia and misunderstandings can be a real killer.
I hadn’t even wanted to write today, or even do much of anything, but I decided to, because the more I share and be open about things, and, of course involve the illness, which I often just belittle by saying that, “Schizophrenia plain sucks…” I end up helping myself. Having written the little bit that’s above has already made my day a little more peaceful.
Truly, for anyone, life can really suck. But I’m remembering to keep a reasonable perspective and just go with the flow.
I am no saint. But we’re all saints, in a way. All children.
So keep it going. Get trampled in the thunderstorms, but just be who you are. That is what I am doing. And it seems to be working.
I am definitely irritable, but I had to get some of this off my chest, and stay connected with Source. It is literally all I have. All that I know I have. There’s likely more that I have that’s good and going well for me, and when I’m able to come back to the place where I might realize it, it will likely be a very pleasant surprise.
Stay well, everyone.
Now half an hour later, I have found some resolution. Communicated with some people, and have found resolve. Having identified the issues at their core, and communicated about them in a healthy, non-violent fashion. The rest of the day is mine! Thank God for that. I’m doing all right, and will be back!