Restored Post from March 28, 2011—
I did a double whammy on The Real Me Podcast yesterday. It was fun and rewarding. Hope you enjoy them.
Others around me seem to have their own things going on today, though corresponding with some of my new Twitter friends this morning has been terrific. Felt engaged… Participating, even if just online.
As I posted on Twitter, I have been cutting down on my caffeine intake starting today, since others around me seem to believe that my rapid-cycling moods (mania to depression, back-and-forth, all day long) evidently have a biological element, but that too much caffeine has also been contributing to this dilemma, which seems to be affecting those around me, which is something I have to take into consideration. And to come up with some kind of fix… a resolve. Today, I’m sticking to bottled water.
It hurts me when the illness has negative effects on others close to me.
Schizophrenia affects not just the sufferer, but also those around him/her. So I am giving this a shot. Less caffeine. If my wife is unable to sleep, for example, because I am up and about… muttering and puttering this way and that, and having what seems to be the time of my life, I feel a certain responsibility to attack the issue, without delay.
Sometimes, when someone else in my circle is affected by the effects of my illness, which I prefer to consider to be a third party because it is not me, I tend to, at least initially, feel like others might actually hate me. When the awareness strikes, I know that I need to step back and consider that this kind of thinking (that someone possibly “hates” me, for no apparent reason!) could be part of the illness. When others react to my apathy, or my mania, or actual anger (often based on fear), I find it difficult to decipher whether somebody else is actually mad at me, upset with me, or if their reactions (specifically when they seem to run away from me, or even blame me…) are just “normal” reactions. Human reactions.
Certainly, there is stigma looming everywhere, especially in the public arena, but here at home, I guess I need to step back when something seems awry and take a breather, realize that those around me do love me, at least to an extent, and that, say, even if some kind of sly remark is directed at me, seemingly, that the person who is verbalizing something that hurts my feelings or feels like an attack, he/she could be just going through their own personal struggle. We all say and do things we don’t necessarily mean. We often wish we could take those things back. But time just moves forward. Good and healthy communication is key, for anyone, for everyone, and for myself. We’re all here in this boat together, with mental illness, or not. I often say that, because I value that we are all human beings living on this planet and mental illness is actually a matter of one’s reactions to the environment only different by a matter of degree.
It’s not necessarily, “All About Me…” as they say. “The True Paradox of Paranoia!” as I say!
I’m doing my best, still, and I can feel love coming from my heart and coming in, from others. Got lots going on… lots of demons and irks. I mean not to dwell on this but Schizophrenia plain sucks! It affects every bit of life we sufferers have in us, and every brain function. Just have to deal with the deal. There are times, like today, when I want to scream out, “Enough with all this ‘taking care of my health… stuff’”—but what can one do? Just keep at it. Step back, and sometimes, I just make my day, My Own Day.
Everyone’s got his or her own demons and angels, and my life is getting good, getting better, overall. That’s just a fact. I just have to hold on to that, and let the rest go, especially when that’s all I have the option of doing.
I guess the point to this blog has to do with acceptance, patience, consideration, mindfulness, and perseverance… among other things.
I stay in touch with the Source. My own version of the Ether, or God…
And, I will be back.
Make your day as fantastic as you can because now is the only time. Everything else will follow once you choose the quality of your day.