Happiness is not created as a result of certain conditions. Certain conditions are created as a result of happiness.
My emotions took over my senses and led me to a condition, or state, having had a solid few weeks there, and yet now re-emerging to state of, again, Peaceful Mind; but the Voices of Paranoia struck, and at first I had been, well, not aware, until I “caught myself” not being mindful, or present.
The Voices of Paranoia as I call them have come back and they had haunted me most of the morning. To Tweet some Narration of the Voices, and to Tweet or post here and there, some oblique words, last night I simply tweeted “Conan.” I was watching Conan, and enjoying it. But I enjoyed the oblique, randomness, flight of ideas and with no pressure that I lose any “following” of The Often Mysterious and ‘Out There’ Jonathan Harnisch. It seems to be helping my process of always-becoming authentic, more and more, testing things out, starting over and over, and apologizing, saying thank you; suffering and returning, on repeat-repeat.
I hope I’ll decide to keep this up. To post whatever I am feeling or hearing or random words I think or hear (real or unreal) without carrying a notepad, setting up the header and signature images, tagging (that one I’ve already been basically done with, as people will find whatever it is when they might, or not, tags or without the minor hassle). Even a blog post, or the setting up the microphone and settings for The Real Me podcast; my attempt is to let that go and do as I wish. If my desk is messy I won’t fix it. If my desk is messy and it bothers me, then I will.
All the rest will follow and unfold, as it should. I might read a book and enjoy it because I am “ready” for it, in my life. Other times, not. I’ve done lot. The need to expand and create more and more with specific plans and goals, and things; as for today, right now, I am letting that go. No harm. Being with Self, Being Self, I still hear the voices, right this moment, about 3 of them, but I’m putting the “Laugh out Loud” on ‘Crazy’ and rolling with the tide, the Process of Schizophrenia, recovered, not cured.
Hope: I have the hope. Always had it. Will never lose it. And I have my good days and my bad days, and I mess up; often, I mess up. I make amends. I catch myself when I can, and I move on. Through the loss, all the loss, the stigma, and the effects of corruption from others who had once been a part of my life, and that incudes a lot of people… People I have forgiven, and nearly forgotten. I’ve succeeded in letting a lot go. A lot. My life used to be filled with literal grandiosity and bigger than life events, relationships, and settings, conditions, and things that my current life no longer includes.
I have since been asked to speak, to perform, to do interviews. Today I received an invitation from an investor who somehow found me and seems willing to put a few million dollars back into my film production company, which went out of business in 2010. I have turned down all of these offers, graciously, as I’m just not at a point in my life where I feel ready or willing to accept. And I haven’t rejected these invitations altogether, I’ve asked for rain checks so as to not burn bridges that might benefit my well-being later on, if that time comes when it might.
I leave this post as-is; stream of thought. Unedited. Not even read over because this is how I feel right now, and I am creatively expressing my ideas and thoughts with no intention, no goals, no expectations. Being myself (yes, as the voice tells me that I suck and need to die.) I’m on top of it. So there are a lot of people who are perhaps ignorant, full of stigma, and those who are just selfish (yet I know myself enough that I am the most selfish person I know, to be honest with you, and it makes me feel good to publically acknowledge that.) I don’t think I am a bad person (yet sometimes I do). This is it. This is the raw me. Stripped down. It’s just me, writing out my feelings and thoughts, ‘just because’.
At the same time, if I do receive notice that I might have offended anybody or done something inappropriate, I will adjust accordingly. It is often the case when I am symptomatic, which I am right now, that I do not realize that what I might do or say is inappropriate. So until then, I think I am self aware of my symptoms and myself, but I cannot honestly say that I know that, realistically, when in a basically mini psychotic experience (like now). I experience things in a completely different way than I would when not symptomatic or as a person who is not mentally ill (as I am). Even my worldview, my entire belief system can be changed even for just an hour with my having no innate way of knowing this. I mean, it would be pretty hard to change one’s entire belief system.
So, to those of you in my immediate surroundings who do “mediate my reality,” most definitely let me know if I am behaving perhaps inappropriately. I don’t think that I am. But see? My thinking is what is diseased. All I believe I am doing is losing fear as I express myself, and publically so as to offer, if anything, insight into my experiences with schizophrenia. I am paranoid, perhaps delusional. But I have my tools and resources, and all I want to do it share my experiences at the moment in order to both come to better terms with myself and state of mind, and while I am at it, to allow others, perhaps in here, in my mind as much as I can so the very people I love: my audience, might see themselves through, well, seeing me, in a way. We’re not alone. Nobody is.
If you can understand a politician, then you can understand what a perhaps ignorant, or whatever, way some people just are.
So that’s about it. Off I go, and Twitter… who knows. I’m just going to roll with this roller coaster and see how it turns out.
Laugh out Loud on “Crazy,” I say, ‘Yes, indeed!’