Classic Schizophrenia Stuff
I am not trying to attack anybody; it’s just schizophrenia.
I have been having many schizophrenic episodes and though I have been offering many inspiring posts, it’s like the tears of a clown or the idea that it is often easier to help others than one’s own self. I’ve felt that I’ve been crying out for help within my support team and medical team, but as I am currently in yet another episode, I feel that I am not in danger of hurting myself or others, thus I don’t feel that hospitalization is necessary; that this is just the schizophrenia, but I have just posted this on my office door to let the staff here see this sign, my delusion, and disease while I do believe I am aware enough of my symptoms:
At the same time, knowing this is not true, I have to admit (sure it’s the schizophrenia) but I wholeheartedly believe this ridiculous idea coming out of paranoia and other “crazy” effects of this devastating condition of schizophrenia. I also know that taping this to my front door, is an “out there” type of behavior. But again, I am “calling out for help,” alone, upset, anxious, sometimes angry, and feeling left out. I post this on Porcelain Utopia so that I can let you know that this is all “real” to me, and that this illness is not offering me comfort. I have had another typed out “Reminder to Self” page on the inside of my office door–at my home–that simply reads:
“Jonathan, always remember, ‘There all in it; in the conspiracy'”
I’ve had it there for a long time. This is an extremely difficult place to be–a difficult delusion or belief, but again, it is real to me, and schizophrenia is no joke, unless I am not feeling these feelings or believing these ideas 100%. The above quote came from a voice I kept hearing while aware, I think. Knowing it”s “crazy” and that I don’t want to believe these things–it’s just a ridiculous paradox. This illness is real-deal. Flat out schizophrenia. I wish I didn’t have this darn thing.
You are not alone! Share this to raise awareness during Mental Health Month. I am still somewhere in here, in this otherwise disturbed mind. I am going to forward this by e-mail to the appropriate people on my team.
I am aware, but it can be extremely horrifying.