Although I had made a conscious decision to blog in the first place, I had set it up in my head, or you could say, “programmed my brain” so as to not allow self-disappointment if I were to miss a day, or two or three. The reason for my not blogging the past few days is because I have been in an exhausted and passionately apathetic state of mind. I still am. But that is the premise to this particular post–to get on here, and valiantly attempt to intersect the symbols and metaphors that the schizophrenia instills on a regular basis, and to rearrange the broken glass, and to pull out, and “download” some of the chaos, so that I might be able to convey some of the wonder about what I playfully call, “F@#king Wonderland.” It may not come out right, though I believe that even just having written what I have so far is enough to “explain” the illness with some light, and of course, love.
I have to fight this thing. I just have to. I am still exhausted and spent. I feel alone in this catastrophic enterprise, though I have many people around me today. Since I am the true “expert” on my experience, I am the only expert. Others cannot get into my head or hear or see or know what I know. It’s frustrating.