I thought about whether or not to blog, though to start with my definite need to thank you all for your letters of support and encouragement since yesterday’s brief ‘getting the news’ blog. This does present an open door to unselfishly keep this topic of Hyponatremia or whatever it’s called as an open topic for this blog, this website—after all it is, of course, a perfect opportunity to blog but also to heal and to overcome. It’s perhaps relevant to the mental illness aspect as well as the “overcoming obstacles,” and documentation, of you will, of Porcelain Utopia; how I might get through this diagnosis by seeing the negativity as a challenge, an opportunity, and as something to share—adding more to the story of this complex, sometimes a mean, jerk, that I can be, an unpredictably a good person at times, and one who has and continues to go ‘through the ringer,’ as I call it, over and over again, perhaps more than one who is not diagnosed with the devastating illness I have been given—not to diminish another’s so-called simple anxiety and what-not—as I say, it’s all matter of degree and how the individual perceives his or her own condition, situation, or stress.
I, of course, must continue to walk my talk. My whole mindset of this, forgive my language, but this crap, this “detour” in my own, already f@#ked up life, yet I do—I really do tend, these days, to grow through all of this—this life situation—as seeing more of the positivity and opportunity though the overall ‘Utopia.’ What I refer to as the tagline of PU reads: The ‘Angel Demon Human dichotomy,’ to me, it means something to the effect as I publish erotica and hard core rap, then all off a sudden, I seem to reach Zen, and angel-talk, then I vent, I get upset, I hallucinate, then I reach bliss—the rollercoaster of it all. Think about it: a real bad example comes to mind but take the nicest, good-natured person—for sake of this example, let’s choose the altogether/could-do-no-wrong Tom Hanks—let’s imagine (the idea) that in his private life—(even better, the Dalai Lama—!)—Let’s assume he’s got some kind of skeleton in his closet as we all do. He might dress in women’s clothing and has very explicit “affairs” in his personal life—OK? Maybe he does not, but, I have skeletons—I believe at this point they’re all public knowledge now, because I had been so closed up that it bothered me, and I don’t need to keep a job that’s on the line if I “tell,” I have nothing to lose—I have the ‘ticket’—the opportunity to literally be that guy who can, but who I feel does, open up 100%. After all, I was addicted to crack cocaine alone: I therefore have (yet luckily I have no STDs etc., or unplanned children—but yes, I did all those things… I behaved ‘like a crack head.’ I was sure lucky as all hell I have no criminal record, etc., but I—let’s just say for now—I did all that. And lived to tell. Prostitutes, gambling, and drunk driving. I made out OK overall and have never injured anyone. I bottomed out, and learned my lesson. I changed and grew, and continue to do so. I am a writer (even the fiction) a lot because my experiences in these last 36 years have been unbelievably mind-blowing.
Nonetheless, this particular post is/should be perhaps more centered on my intent: about this new diagnosis, though Hyponatremia is more of a physical disease; this new battle in my life. Yet, let’s hope, as I do hope that it actually is “likely nothing, after all…” I really do not have the drive this morning to write, nor to even be on the computer but I feel I owe it to you, and to update you all—all 30,000 to 300,000 people per day, to perhaps inform, and document the best as I can through this new process.
First hearing the news, then the panic process, the grief, to wanting to just ‘die now and get it over with.’ I’m sure my attitude will change over time, and as I’m likely destined to the ICU unit at some point, tests after tests, complex and frustrating for both doctors and patient, as the treatment involves a lot of trail and error aspects, testing, retesting, analysis, and decicions. The Mayo Clinic, my sociopathic family thus getting involved—though I no longer have any relationship with them. They simply keep and spend my $2 billion inheritance money stemming from that one forged signature and notary in 2009 which gave them their full 100% control, and this whole 25 million people in my social network—virtual, but it is real: real people. Real interactions; the whole point of the Internet and social networks. This site cost me $30 and zero dollars for advertising—so I do owe it to you and I guess in a way, to myself. I have been up all night reading, taking online crash courses on iTunes U and listening to medical podcasts, learning about all the medical terms, and information concerning this unfortunate diagnosis, which I did sign up for, you know, somehow, ‘astrologically,’ but I wish I didn’t.
I’m loaded up on prescribed as-needed PRNs/medication—tranquilizers, anxiety meds, even Klonopin—and I am still in panic mode—the whole big picture of Porcelain Utopia and what it means to me makes up my entire life and purpose—I don’t want time away from it. I’ve earned this and deserve it, and you all have sent me about 200 emails through the contact form overnight—mostly complete strangers to me, and a ton of doctors. Thank you.
Following, are some of my initial thoughts and notes. Whether or not this condition is able to treated in the end. I have already gone through a game plan with my wife and medical team: to start—deep breath, positive attitude and only one liter of water per day for 3 days, onto the first blood and urine analysis—boom: done. If I fail, I’ll pick myself up, dance the “schizophrenic shuffle” [sarcastic humor] and re-start, re-set, re-group and re-try.
…Getting there, as I can and as I choose.
I had been drinking 4-5 gallons of water per day for the last two years, I am not supposed to drink anything else, nor diet poorly, so I do everything they say and now I have to eat junk food and sugar and not water, but instead sodas, and then do what I have to do: test after test, ICU, Mayo Clinic likely, and then it’s either a day, a week, or a year—who knows—that will end up seeming afterwards as, “Well, that was sure a waste of all our freaking time—”
“Hey Close Personal Friend/Medical Doctor: What do you know about Hyponatremia, without just being optimistic just because we are friends? I have been diagnosed with it, and would like to know of life expectancy and things since I’m not up for another disease (heart and kidney I think, low sodium, drinking too much water?) First they said rid the drugs and alcohol. I did 10 years ago. Then drink as much water as possible. I did that, too. Then lower caffeine. I did. Then sugar and salty foods. Now I’m supposed to eat junk food especially salt, and drink as little water as possible, even add sugar. I’m freaking out like WTF! you know? My wife and all the doctors and caregivers knew these past 2 weeks, and I was just told a couple hours ago, “at the right time for Jonathan since his day was going so well.” Have to go in for all these f@#king tests, and sh*t (please excuse my language) I’m just venting because, just g@d d@mn it, you know? Chronic heart and kidney disease? Is that what it is? Can you let me know whatever you know? At the moment, I just want to die—right now—forget the wait time and suffering, yet not by suicide, of course—all my life I had wanted to die, until 2011. Now it’s 2012 and I might get what I had only-before ‘prayed for’—just to get it the hell over with. You know? I am sure this is all a semi-normal reaction to receiving news like this. Thank you for hearing me out. –J.”
OK, Here is my advice given strictly as a friend!
Hyponatremia (as I think you know) means low levels of sodium in the blood. It is important to remember that this in itself is a non-specific finding, meaning that the underlying cause of the condition must be discovered and treated. There are a SH*T-LOAD of things that can cause Hyponatremia. That is why your doctors want to do some more tests, so they can figure out exactly what is going on. Lots of the reasons are harmless and easily corrected, such as drug and diet adjustments. So all in all, I think you should take this seriously, but not jump to conclusions. Once the doctors know what is causing your sodium levels to be low, the treatments will present themselves. This is one of the things in medicine that all patients (and their doctors) hate, having to wait to get to the bottom of the problem. When is your next round of tests? Have they done any treatments so far?
So, in summary, take a deep breath, say your favorite mantra and focus your healing, balancing energy inwards. The whole world is sending healing vibes and love your way—Can you feel it? And that is a good approach to ANY medical question!:)
PEACE AND LOVE. I hope that helps!”
General Note to personal friends who wrote me loving notes: I thank you all:
“Hi Friends: I stayed up all night reading about this BS and talking with my doctor friends. I haven’t changed my water intake. Thank you for the posts. I did not know so many cared as you do. Apparently, it’s relatively common (1%) and is in fact low sodium in blood. One of my early Schizo voices said I would die of a blood disease so it has been freaking me out, and still is. I already reversed diabetes, eat no sugar, dropped the caffeine, lost 100 pounds, survived Schizo, severe Tourette, trauma, brain injury, drug & alcohol addiction (10 years in January) overcame cancer in Mexico twice, and I still smoke and chew, and loss of all family, old friends and a gigantic financial fortune! —My old and gone Hollywood and Wall St. life—I did not “sign up” for this. It is frustrating and complicated for both docs and patient with this blood disease, I’m told, and likely I’ll end up in ICU unit with 60% mortality rate, as I see it. I read a lot about it and contacted all I could in my social network with my mental heath work online. Basically they all said take a deep breath and stay positive. I slept an hour or two and just woke up. Thx. -J.”
Will try to keep you posted. Thank you again for all your support and reaching out.