003-Light Under the Shade-Memoir


I wake up and Kelly seems to have spoken aright, we’re in a regular house as we slept through the night.

Intake procedures were a breeze. As for my “goal’ on the Overall Goal part of the Treatment Plan, I wrote (what I want? What I need?) …To “be myself,” I wrote—no more, no less, and I signed it BJ Schreiber. Just hoping that Ben is good enough on his own, that I am actually an OK guy.

I peel open a banana and introduce myself to a few other schizophrenics while I eat.

Oh my God, I am not alone, after all, I discover to myself.

I’m going by my alter ego’s name, Georgie, as I meet these guys, and the staff; the intake papers have me down as Ben.

I’m just not ready yet to be Ben. Not this morning.

The fear that I don’t want to become a sellout, helping others, that I can actually do some good in this little world makes me think of the 500 billion galaxies everywhere (and nowhere). I’ll do what I can right here and now.

This one’s for you guys. I’ll try my best to heal, and to share my stuff as Claudia used to want it—I’ll play the game the best I can, so that I can help you—so that I have something to do. (I’m just starting to transcribe some of this on to the computer from the notebook, and I’m dying to edit as I go along, but I need to keep it real and raw and right, just as it was… Enough! I re-write with an angry heart.)

For now, I’m heading off. I’m not happy with the room I’ve been assigned because I have a roommate.

Away from our comfort zone, our safety zone, I feel pressed to continue writing. There’s no writer’s block. I no longer get writer’s block. I do get a gigantic lack of motivation to write, but this is my industry. Whether or not there will be huge gaps between installments, as there already have been, still got to float on, and on, and on.

I’m putting out my best effort to be as raw, and candid, and honest as I can be. Not trying to help you, but trying to help myself (even if just for a story, based on fact), as it may or may not be—might help you and might inspire you.

I still don’t really get it.

About Jonathan Harnisch

Author | Mental Health Advocate | Schizophrenia | Artist | Blogger | Podcast Host | Patent Holder | Hedge Fund Manager | Film & TV Producer | Musician
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