10 December 2011
Re: Transgressions to Come
In this mad world only we the mad are sane.
Transgressions Page on Facebook: The most thought provoking and literary violations of the norm.
Today has been quite frustrating between my own illness and my wife being ill—it seems that everyone’s got things and people in their lives that/whom are ill, sick, not well, and as confused as this damn illness of schizophrenia makes me feel, that I cannot get much of anything done, I perhaps turned my thoughts, art, and work, into a catastrophe—a transgression.
The truth is, at least right now that Life does suck, and in celebration of that, as well as simply because I cannot seem to get myself to write anything all that positive, I have chosen to just post random transgressions, in a blog series called “Porcelain Utopia,” which will run from December 10th 2011 through I believe January 8th or 9th of 2012, coming close to the day I turn 36 years old—the 17th. The series will not consist of anything in the self-help or inspirational genre, but I seem to be losing some cognition, as my life, though I have my good days, it’s just not currently, truly in my heart these days—I cannot get my website running right, and just “fucked up mental psycho bullshit”—that’s how I am used to writing. I have been paid to write like that in the past—my trade, I am a published writer of erotica, and I’ve scheduled some posts along those lines though January.
The truth is this schizophrenia takes away everything the sufferer has, and I want to warn you in advance that I think I might be changing my style, and bring both this blog, and even The Real Me Podcast back to The Transgressive Literature of Jonathan Harnisch: the way it all began. It’s just like, fuck it!
—You know? Who are we kidding? Schizophrenia can go to hell. Switching gears, I might end up changing my mind about all this, and I’m sure I’ll start receiving more hate mail than the wonderful thank yous but—this fucking thing is eating me alive, and the holidays aren’t helping, believe me. I fucking hate the holidays. This site is at about 100,000 hits, and that frightens me, it’s not even been a year, and that’s quite a success. I’m not used to success. Success frightens me. I need a goddamn break—A fucking fix; a change with all of this.
Other than that—relate with me through the transgressions of Sz, or just never mind me. It’s just one of those days, where I feel like redefining this whole “stay real and positive” thing. It really only goes all so far; the shit always returns.
So there it is—boy do I hate posting this kind of material, in a way—I know it’s likely startling—and what’s about to come; just rubbish—Henry Miller/Kathy Acker kind of ‘junk.’ The inspiration is just no longer here.
Again this has nothing to do with anyone but myself. I simply feel like a failure, and I can’t seem to function right, as much as I try. So—there goes my positive public image—and to my wife, if you think it’s better for me to take this post and all the scheduled posts down, I can log you in, but I’ll need someone else to keep the inspiration going until I “return.” Basically I think I’m pretty much done with all of this—the site, the image, the damn holidays—the sickness. To hell with this schizophrenic psycho bullshit—how’s that for being real? Also for being the real dick that anyone who has known me [from my much darker past] to remember me by—I have not changed underneath the veil of being a ‘wanna-be.’ So, that’s where I am.