I mentioned the inevitable upcoming shift to my wife, to first let her know I’m wanting to return to my transgressive literature ‘things,’ and perhaps in schizophrenic haste, I posted just random chapters and sections of material that is “un-publishable” otherwise. All publishers and people want to see, if not inspirational memoirs, are fucking vampires and murder mysteries. [Junk, in my opinion.] I wanted to warn her, in advance, that my shifting-to-my-roots idea/decision, has nothing to do with her–Nothing that she might have done to cause me to “lose the inspiration”–to not take any of it personally. She didn’t. In fact this is what she wrote back with permission for me to re-post:
Honey, I don’t think – and wouldn’t have thought – that it had anything to do with me, but thank you for letting me know this in advance. Yes, you’re right SZ sucks. The only thing I’d suggest, and it’s only a suggestion and what you do is up to you, is keep some of the more truly transgressive posts – the ones that get really scatological private for a few days, and then, if you still feel like posting them, then do it, but hold back for a few days, if you can. If you can’t, that’s okay. It’s just once you’ve put it out there, it’s pretty much out there. That’s all I’m suggesting. What you just posted just seems honest to me. Life can suck, and SZ certainly makes it suck worse. And if you want, you can repost this message on your blog.
I love you. I personally think you can pull through this and get to another, more positive side, and if you don’t, I will still love you.
THANK YOU HONEY BABYDUDE!!!
With your mood-fluctuations brought on sometimes due to your physical auto-immune disorder, and due to the shit medications and even vitamins these fucked up doctors give you (and me) 🙂 I just didn’t want you to feel like you have failed. You didn’t. I believe that I will be better apt to keep whatever random posts I’ve scheduled through mid-January–I don’t even remember what they were, just stuff I pulled from some old dried up file of a book that went to 100 publishers who either responded not at all, or wrote me that my subject matter wouldn’t sell in the U.S., maybe the U.K., or Germany: “All we want are Vampire Stories–that’s all.” So fuck it. I say “fuck” with pride–because I think it’s worth a try at writing without any censor. I might even be able to inspire, perhaps, NOT by writing about how positive things CAN BE (and personally, I WILL be continuing my spiritual quest, meditations, and all of that! That part of me is still there for sure–I’m a fucking Indigo Child! LOL!) But I might “inspire” better by opening the doors to the idea that actually in the moment, things will get better, but for me to shy away from all the G-rated words and this whole Dr. Wayne Dyer, et. al. “I’m a Pioneer in the Positivity Project” (or whatever the fuck it is) –I’ll still read them, but I need to remove the censor. My censor. Censor sucks. Censor is like an infomercial: they look great, but the product is a piece of crap.
I know this all kind of came on suddenly and perhaps I’ll post in-between the scheduled posts (likely I will, though I cannot for the fuck of me figure out some of this extra website crap, like the goddamn ‘Share This’ option.) But the idea is for me to forget about the hits, the fans, the followers, the image, the bullshit, and just fucking write as I do in private–not breaking boundaries, nor being way the hell too inappropriate–just to be who the fuck I am, at whatever moment–without making believe it’s schizophrenia portrayed in a Disney film, though maybe sometimes–more like the heroin in Trainspotting. I had been not as truthful in the ‘sickness of thought‘ (think Freud!) 🙂 that Sz brings to the table. If something reminds me of scat, I’d like to say that and to say the word “fuck” and just be a little more real, than a ‘wanna-be’ who will never really ever cure himself or anyone else of schizophrenia. Nor the idea that if something sucks, it’s not ONLY about ‘Think Positive’ (oh, and Jonathan, [sarcastically] don’t forget to spell and grammar check, and be all that bull crap editing out the verbal tics on The Real Me podcasts…”) Screw that.
I feel the need to still be genuine and real and even positive, but just a bit less censor, no matter the outcome–Nobody shares via ‘Share This…’ Who the hell cares. Nobody “re-tweets”–then I’m sorry but don’t. That’s up to whomever is tuned to MY channel, THIS channel. You know? I love you all, but I worry too much, and that’s something I’ve got to let go.
When Life sucks, it sucks. Sure one can think of something they’re grateful for to distract, but I don’t want to distract from the subject: Life Sucks. And when it’s good, it’s good!
Just some random excerpts in between now and January. And less of this Disney shit, and more like we need to be 18+ to hear the word “shit.” I mean, I was fooling myself.
I am who I am.
You are who you are (I mean to my general audience). Take it or leave it (this site). At least for the moment, I don’t give a flying hoot if people unsubscribe from my feed or unfollow me on Twitter, for any reason.
Anyway, honey, that’s what I’m talking about. Just “whatever,” you know? Thank you for understanding.